Heavy backpack, heart and mind.

It was a struggle forcing myself to attempt training today. On two occasions I nearly turned the car round, wanting to give in go home and quit. One time half way through my journey on the M5. I missed the hills the previous weekend, so reminded myself it was essential I made an effort. I wanted to go home, back to bed and sleep. I began to wish I had booked annual leave alone, involved in an activity that did not provide the pressure of possibly letting down sponsors. Missing last weekend, the hills had changed decorated with a carpet of autumn leaves. Stunning autumn colours, contrasted with the gloom loosing summer light nights. I regret not making the most of summer 2011, spending too much time hiding behind work.  

It has been a very busy year, even now for me, although I am not assigned to a site project at the moment. August I added a post mentioning redundancy concerns. How right I was recently hearing co-workers called out and given notice. I am safe from redundancy at the moment, however not to take for granted this could change. So with the looming concern of how to continue to pay the bills, I have had to put in the hours. I had an official opening ceremony to organise for my customer, who had invited an MP to launch the new road.  A head full of work, lack of trek training and other, argued in my mind which subject should dominate.

After many years hibernating from the social scene, this year I developed courage to make an effort. I thought with all my positive work, perhaps I had broken a negative cycle and improved my law of attraction skills.  I discovered I need to go back into hibernation, study some more, or organise a head/personality transplant. Although I attract quite a lot of attention, not intentionally I add, I just don't seem to attract "the one." Someone who really wants to take time to get to know me.  Someone who wants to call me, meet. A man who wants to work at making me feel butterflies and adored and I them. I utterly fail in the love department, a complete car crash. Perhaps I am not lovable material, I have really no idea any more.  I can cope alone but thought after many years avoiding trying to meet a soul mate, it would be nice to share and make memories. As I mulled over various in my mind, I noticed a family of four ahead. Mom, dad, young daughter and son, over flowing with happiness sharing a family day outdoors. Mom and children stood posing on a high rock, whilst dad sets his camera on timer, racing to join them in time for the camera to catch a happy family portrait. I watched with a smile. As I walked by choked with tears. Floods of tears, trying to hide them behind sunglasses. Tears obviously required as a release valve when I noticed the tight knot in my stomach seemed to release.  I felt softer.

I walked back to my car, feeling heart broken. The fact hit me, I will never know what it's like to have my own family. Family picnics, trips to the seaside, birthdays and decorating the Christmas tree together. Ruling out motherhood when I reached 40,I will never know the feelings of carrying a child, nurturing my own and wrapping them in love. The hand I was dealt did not include the family card. I have always been somewhat of a loner. Alone welcomed and enjoyed. Today I felt lonely, not a good feeling.  Sat at home reflecting and typing, I ask myself how to get off this treadmill of: work, back home to an empty flat, bed, work, weekends the phone never rings, no sharing and just hill walks. I feel invisible and stuck. An early night ready to push the button for work at high speed. Maybe the change of scenery and Himalayas experience will bring change and ideas.

Today I am grateful I do not have my own children.  Perhaps I would not have had time to work at Acorn's if I had family of my own.

  

Return of the King...Orc's, Hobbit's, safely watched by Gandolf

The hills are alive with the soundtracks and themes of The Return of the King

Backpack with supplies of water and lembas bread

Orc squirrel spy..........................

Too late squirrel spy, I caught you.  Run, run..... little squirrel spy, to whisper your tales and secrets..........

Fellowship of safe sanctuary

Window to the Souls

Padlocked and deserted

Return of the King

Not a full time employed working day.  Hence, my mobile alarm clock was switched off, permitting a Sunday rest in, to enjoy and cuddle my big, fat, comfy, cloud quilt, wrapped in warm Asian colour and delightful soft prints. As if! My body clock is programmed to the full-time employed time table, waking up too early.  Even during annual leave and weekends.  

I have no idea why, but I felt somewhat deflated with no enthusiasm to enjoy the peace and calmness the hills reward.  I battled negativity and prepared my back pack, dressing in appropriate walking costume to commit to my hill training.

I attended the second level of my photography course yesterday.  An excellent tutor, mentor, and Lord of encouraging imagination in mind and eye.  David, set a course challenge, over a four week period, for students to produce 10 pictures related to a chosen subject.  I am warmed and drawn to the subject title offered "Windows to the Soul."  

Setting out on my usual hills training, I stopped along journey's way, to take props and capture pictures located in a desired place of peace. Mind cogs had worked overtime since my tutor ignited the project challenge.  Photos taken, and feeling more relaxed, Cherry Corsa heads to the hills.

I congratulated myself for arguing with the internal Sunday laze thief, that tempted me to quit today's training.  Not only did I action my hill training, I calmed the soul, slowed down, and grabbed the moment to commence photography course work.

And so in my wild imagination.........................................................

I walked New Zealand hills today, filled with sound tracks and themes of  "The Return of the King." Turned up to the max, drifting into hypnotic moving meditation, trees and sun rays creating imaginary strangers.  I sometimes seriously have to remind myself, Orc's do not really exist.  Trekking alone, along creepy covered pathways, trying to reach the open space, listening to this music.  I ask " Why the hell do I try to frighten the wits out myself? listening to this music"  I think I must have sub-concious faith Gandalf is watching over me, and the hobbits distracting the Orc's, therefore allowing me to pass.  Safe at the top, the skies were incredible today.  Soft, dreamy, blues and whites merging. Ideas I thought of and captured in my minds eye yesterday, during the photography course.

Sirens, showers and loss of sight.

Start of training, I see plenty of greenery and texture.

Emergency services (ambulance and helicopter) required on the hills.

Fog suddenly restricts vision.

Within minutes fog hides the view.

I changed my hill training routine due to my sister’s invite, to help cook and share a good old fashioned, hearty Sunday roast dinner. Apart from the enjoyment of a rare Sunday feast, I have not teased and laughed with my nieces for some time, or caught up waxing lyrical with my sister and brother in law. My mother and step father also sharing the meal, I have not seen for four months or more, added to my necessity to change my normal Sunday training schedule.

I have no idea why I was surprised to see the hills busy on a Saturday. Enjoyed by loners, couples, families and dog owners walking and slowing down their pace of life. I smiled sweetly witnessing a few people stop to take mini breaks walking challenging terrain. I have not noticed a physical improvement as such. After a continual one day a weekend hill walks routine, over a six week period. However, I have noticed an improvement in mental determination which can be, if not more important at times, than stamina. At least I am not giving in, or taking numerous mini breaks. My breathing technique stills needs to relax, and weak muscles that aggravate need strength development.

The skies seemed clear. The sun warm, and the view stretched out for miles, during my first hour of walking. As always, sometimes I feel I am not physically walking, as my mind drifts away into the tracks on my mp3. I eventually, rather unexpectedly, arrive at my favourite hill, I adopt for personal reflection from time to time. From Sunday space, I notice an increase in visitors and the need for emergency services to assist an unfortunate trekker in need of help. Ambulance sirens echo over the hills. While a helicopter assesses the need to rescue from air. I have no idea who is hurt, how or the extent of their injury. Crowds begin to gather and head to the direction aid is required. My curious side wants to follow, but my respectable side insists I stay away. To let the emergency services carry out requirements, and more importantly, not add any further anxiety or distress, to whom ever is in need. I have no idea who was in need of help, why and if they are okay. I send out mindful best wishes they are safe and recovering.

I walk away from the drama and get back on track. I had become so lost in the beat of music, played at full volume I did not notice for a while sirens trying to alert me they needed me to move. A song I have listened to over and over again, suddenly had a sound affect I had not heard before.  I thought to myself, I have never noticed that affect before. The sound affect doesn’t fit the mood of the music! Something made me turn round, realising the sound affect was actually the sirens of the Fire and Rescue gents trying to get me to move out the way! I gesture my apologies, pointing out my mp3 earplugs delivering music, had prevented me hearing them approach. Embarrassed, I receive smiles and laughter from three firemen.  They give the thumbs up approval of my unintentional notice, of their call out and need to assist somebody vulnerable out on the wide open hills.

Away from the gathering crowds, walking a lone path, within minutes fog hides the views thick and fast. My hot brow is cooled by gentle showers. Very welcomed. I find the rain refreshing and it brings a feeling of contentment, for a while. I shared a previous experience, recalled previously in a blog update, how the weather can be unpredictable,and make training even more challenging, and quiet unsettling. Today is my first experience of cloud falling. Restricting my view, footings, feeling security and eventually having to accept, while continuation of training may appear brave, out alone lacking skills and knowledge would be idiotic. The fog restricted my vision to the extent, I could not see trails man made, or the possibility of walking of edge or into danger. At least 2.5 hours walked. I was not overly pleased with the miles completed but again accepted it was time to call today’s training to a closure.

What a week....

It has not been possible to train in my local gym this week after work, due to appalling, mindless rioters looting and spreading fear throughout the city. I live less than a mile from the city centre where it was all kicking off. Thanks to my friend Jay text alerting me, I was on my way, by foot, ready to walk into chaos and danger.Her alert stopped me from God knows what. The gym I am a member of, had the front entrance windows smashed in amongst the random attacks,and looting. Helicopters have hovered above my apartment since Monday evening. One evening I sat by my window witnessing smoke hurling into the sky, from two directions of the city centre.We all felt unsettled in our homes. Safe and secure off the ground in apartments, but unsure if, as police forced rioters out of the city, they would flee in our direction and randomly start fires to our cars and property.

Today I had to get out, inhale some air and train. I walked for three hours and noticed I mainly thought of the sad events this week, which spiralled unintentionally to the rioters, cowards, and negative male role models I have encountered in my life. The United Kingdom seriously has a shortage of real men. Now do not get me wrong, I am not bitter, twisted or narrow minded with an attitude the male species is all bad or “the same.“  I have met and heard of some amazing, honourable men, who run marathons for charity, are loyal, loving husbands who support and protect their family. Numerous real men work at the hospice I work at as a volunteer. I have seen good men working with life limited children, grafting, fixing the gardens and or marshalling at ladies midnight walks as they raise money for charity. Lest we forget, the three Muslim men who died this week, as they protected their community from looters in Birmingham. Even more proof real men exist is the response of a grieving father. A father of one of those three brave men killed. Instead of anger and hate, he pleaded for the rioting to stop. He said:

"Our three boys have died. I hear that another person, a 68-year-old man, has died in London after he tried to help stop a fire. There should be no more deaths, and I hope and pray that message has got through." 

My heart goes out to this man, all of his family, the short lived lives taken from these admiral men. I feel sadness and sickened to the gut by the rioting, looting teenagers, young and older adults actions around our country. Excuses have been made of poverty, boredom, no jobs. This idiotic behaviour has made situations worse. The tax payers expense for all the emergency services required. The loss of stock and damage to businesses which could result in closure resulting in more jobs lost. Damage to properties people go out and work hard to keep and maintain, either as a singleton or for a family. The unnecessary pain, tragic grief inflicted on innocent people. People who have had their lives turned so shockingly and unbelievable upside down, they will probably never feel return to real inner peace.

The hill training went well pedometer reads:16270 steps, 3+ hours walked needed and enjoyed. A happy positive week wished to all, make it a good one!

Ess leaving us..The ladies meal out, to wish her luck and best wishes in her new job xx

The WOMEN!.  True good friends...Lis, Jay, Ess.

Jay capturing the Ladies on her phone....Ess this is when you started sulking and hiding 

Ess tells her childhood unicorn story.
Jay does impression.  
Please do not mistake Jays sign language, normally used for male stupid drivers!

Jay spills coke all over Ess's pizza

The first time my eyes met Ess July 2009….. I had taken two months off work due to unfortunate bad health. Human resources, ticking boxes, required a health interview and part time routine breaking me back into full time work.  I arrive back to work on a new project, new office and see many new faces. Two new females, greet me. Well, one actually greeted me.  The girl that did not greet me had been hired to fill my shoes. I felt vulnerable returning after two months leave. Trying to sprite up, muster strength from recovery time off, due to a demanding role. During my leave off work,  due to poor health, I hear my step mother be told, she had 6-12 months to live. This makes me try to get a grip with my health, after witnessing the news my step mom had been given.  Human nature, it adds to my stress.  Selfish I know.

I walk into unusual eco, accessible for all, temporary portacabins. This is highly professional due to the project scale and value.  I remember putting on a top professional, confident woman outfit. to boost my moral, ignore my health de-lapse experienced and ignite confidence.  When I arrived for my fit and healthy work interview, with a director, Ess, out of the two ladies was the first to greet me.  I admit, I felt she looked me up and down, but I picked up on her smile, professional mask and a kind curiosity about me as I felt for her.

So, from that moment on, we bonded.  A fun hearted, lovely lady, who worked for her wages to look after herself.   And so, the story begins.  She shared some blond moments, taught quiet a few, asked lots of questions and had lots going on behind the work scene.  As we shared working days, we got closer and shared our highs and lows amongst the administration duties, JD's unpredictable diary and many busy times of the Selly Oak NR 2 project.  She was going through some difficult times.  As we all do.  She always seemed to  have strength, courage and a smile.  I had to step in one day, and take over when I knew she needed time out and a check in on very bad leg injury.  Rocky, her big butch dog had dragged her down the road, pulling her to the floor causing server open leg wounds, very close to getting septic.  Ouch! I remember her poor painful expression, eyes and hearing her crying.  Holding my hand when the A & E nurse took off bandages, she had wrapped on. Sure we laughed about it later.  I still insist. to make a fortune Ess should write a novel on the tales of "Ess and Rocky" the rottweiler.  It didn’t help Ess, that lots of other challenges were demanding this young lady at the time.

Ess recovers. Get's herself back to work, amongst the many other upsets and challenges.  A strong and wise young lady.  We share moments, work and fun again.  Then, a lesson in life and our friendship which has since developed.  We have a big break down in communication.  We fall out. No talking at all. We have to carry on the work routine, but we no longer speak as friends for months.  It took my Sahara Desert trek experience, and return from that journey, and time lost, for me to offer Ess a chocolate and reignite our friendship.  I am proud that I followed my gut that day, and Ess accepted a genuine gift.  Onwards and upwards.

I will miss Ess in the work environment.  The selfish part of me wants Ess to be sitting in her chair when I walk in Monday morning.  To hear her random funny comments, and odd rants.  The young and wise comments and support Ess shares.  The work situation is not good.  Ess has made a wise, intelligent change to her next chapter.  We shared a great, BIG, long hug.  A few tears, and sentimental, meaningful words.  I miss Ess so much already.  When I watched her leave today, after almost two years sharing five days of each week of our lives together.  But! New chapters start, and we will keep in contact.  Ess, as I have told you again and again.  No worries, you will bring life to your new place of work. Make new friends.  They are privileged to have you.  Love you loads.  As said, when we hugged, our friendship, although not seeing each other daily, will remain and grow stronger.  xxxx

Trying not to worry or get anxious

I know worrying is pointless.  Worrying and fretting will not change situations, but the words and negativity of others is sometimes difficult to avoid, escape and or ignore.  We desperately need work now the Selly Oak new road project is near to completion.  The atmosphere on site is not as positive as I hoped, when writing my 1st August blog update.  More testing times I guess.  More work to try and switch off when I'm home alone.  Switch off the mind from worry and negative chatter.  Maybe I should start talking the worry out loud to get rid of it.  Then again the neighbours already think I'm a bit strange (who isn't?), best not to add to that by walking around my flat chattering out loud to myself.


What's the worst that can happen with regard to the work front?  answer:  I get made redundant.  What next? answer: look for another job.  That means dreaded interviews.   What if I can't match my salary to cover bills?  answer: get two jobs (I've done this before, cleaning jobs, working as a receptionist in a nightclub while also maintaining a full time job.)  What else is a worry? answer: change, new environment, new people etc.  Reminder to self "change can be good, for God's sakes woman!"  What if I can't get a job for ages? answer: just keep trying, or rent your flat out for a year, and action the travel dream, now that would be nice.   Another note to self:: See what listening to negative others does?  Convince yourself you are going to be out of a job.  STOP IT!


No doubt when I get home the above will roll around my mind again, re-creating anxiety.  I  thought my year was getting better not so long ago.  Test, tests and more tests.  Please can I have a positive break through this month and have some nice, fluffy, pleasant surprise lovely things happen?  I think I better re-read my previous post and get that lighter, positive attitude back.  Alternatively put my fingers in my ears, say "lalalalalalalalala, I can't hear you" when the next person pours out bad luck and negative words in my direction.


Actually, I remember! Something nice has happened.   A sponsor has bought me a 3-4 season sleeping bag, which was quiet expensive.  I knew I needed to purchase a good sleeping bag, to keep me warm and cosy during the cold nights anticipated on  the Himalaya  trek.  Thank you to my kind, generous sponsor.  Still, would like more good luck, nice things to happen, smiles, fun and laughter, because I'm worth it (corny but very true)

I want my Sunday walk, to clear space in my mind, get lost in a moving rhythm and music

Wishing a happy or content August to friends...Here we go ♥

I like this photo...That is positive, happy and lovely radiant energy projected.  Time for a new healthy, happy month magnifying good.  Through the law of attraction I draw positive situations, opportunities and people into my life.  Out with, and free from old negative and useless patterns, themes and situations. I deserve and welcome positive change and wish the same for my good friends.   It is time to accept, receive and give positive productive change.  I am liking this feeling and grateful for a new month.... loves and best wishes ♥♥



I AGREE, THAT DREAM SHOULD NOT COME TRUE!