It was a struggle forcing myself to attempt training today. On two occasions I nearly turned the car round, wanting to give in go home and quit. One time half way through my journey on the M5. I missed the hills the previous weekend, so reminded myself it was essential I made an effort. I wanted to go home, back to bed and sleep. I began to wish I had booked annual leave alone, involved in an activity that did not provide the pressure of possibly letting down sponsors. Missing last weekend, the hills had changed decorated with a carpet of autumn leaves. Stunning autumn colours, contrasted with the gloom loosing summer light nights. I regret not making the most of summer 2011, spending too much time hiding behind work.
It has been a very busy year, even now for me, although I am not assigned to a site project at the moment. August I added a post mentioning redundancy concerns. How right I was recently hearing co-workers called out and given notice. I am safe from redundancy at the moment, however not to take for granted this could change. So with the looming concern of how to continue to pay the bills, I have had to put in the hours. I had an official opening ceremony to organise for my customer, who had invited an MP to launch the new road. A head full of work, lack of trek training and other, argued in my mind which subject should dominate.
After many years hibernating from the social scene, this year I developed courage to make an effort. I thought with all my positive work, perhaps I had broken a negative cycle and improved my law of attraction skills. I discovered I need to go back into hibernation, study some more, or organise a head/personality transplant. Although I attract quite a lot of attention, not intentionally I add, I just don't seem to attract "the one." Someone who really wants to take time to get to know me. Someone who wants to call me, meet. A man who wants to work at making me feel butterflies and adored and I them. I utterly fail in the love department, a complete car crash. Perhaps I am not lovable material, I have really no idea any more. I can cope alone but thought after many years avoiding trying to meet a soul mate, it would be nice to share and make memories. As I mulled over various in my mind, I noticed a family of four ahead. Mom, dad, young daughter and son, over flowing with happiness sharing a family day outdoors. Mom and children stood posing on a high rock, whilst dad sets his camera on timer, racing to join them in time for the camera to catch a happy family portrait. I watched with a smile. As I walked by choked with tears. Floods of tears, trying to hide them behind sunglasses. Tears obviously required as a release valve when I noticed the tight knot in my stomach seemed to release. I felt softer.
I walked back to my car, feeling heart broken. The fact hit me, I will never know what it's like to have my own family. Family picnics, trips to the seaside, birthdays and decorating the Christmas tree together. Ruling out motherhood when I reached 40,I will never know the feelings of carrying a child, nurturing my own and wrapping them in love. The hand I was dealt did not include the family card. I have always been somewhat of a loner. Alone welcomed and enjoyed. Today I felt lonely, not a good feeling. Sat at home reflecting and typing, I ask myself how to get off this treadmill of: work, back home to an empty flat, bed, work, weekends the phone never rings, no sharing and just hill walks. I feel invisible and stuck. An early night ready to push the button for work at high speed. Maybe the change of scenery and Himalayas experience will bring change and ideas.
Today I am grateful I do not have my own children. Perhaps I would not have had time to work at Acorn's if I had family of my own.
No comments:
Post a Comment