Not too good at the moment, will pick up for 2012.

Not feeling too good since I returned from charity trekking in India.  Flu'd up, on prescription for an ear infection and thought I had cracked ribs due to a fall.  Fortunately my GP thinks it's just internal bruising but wants me to monitor for symptoms she asked me to look out for.  Turned 43 6 December. Another year wiser.

Trekking Thursday......

Time to break routine, learn to slow down, absorb the good, learn with and from fellow trekkers.  A perfect opportunity to mind and body detox.  I hope to return with an improved positive mind, inner strength and an appreciation for the simple things in life.

Thanks Jay......

I love this! Thanks Jay, your card brought a tear to my eye.  You know what a sensitive one I am.  Very thoughtful, I will take it with me, tucked in my journal.



Thank you, loves to you from me.......

Great positive quotes included in the card, to inspire and encourage.

Jay and Lis, Birmingham Chamberlain Award Ceremony 11 November 2011.  Our customer received well deserved recognition for the SONR project winning Excellent Service Delivery.   A great do and chance to get out and celebrate the weekend before flying off to India.  Hmmm......must remember not to pout in photo's to avoid looking more of an idiot.

Roll on trekking Thursday...........

It still hasn't sunk in I will soon be trekking in India, proudly wearing my Acorns Children's Hospice promotional t-shirt.  Thanks to all my generous kind sponsors, helping support life limited children, siblings  and parents.  Donations received have gone direct to the hospice.  I have paid all expenses to participate in this charity trek.  Thank you to each and every one of you. ((HUG)) sending love and best wishes.

I love hearts..at a recent work award ceremony, hiding behind heart clutch purse and proudly wearing remembrance poppy.

 Trekking gear, must takes laid out to check off kit list.  Needing at least one glam item for the first few days settling in, sparkly flat footwear for the India evenings.

The promotional t-shirt I designed

Essentials: 3-4 season sleeping bag and liner, mozi net, waterproof kag and trousers, first aid kit and washing pack.



More essentials includes hydration tablets, spare carbs as suggested, microlite towels, spare laces, headtorch and hand torch.  Good old baby wipes, pro biotic's and repel insect repellent spray.

 

Magic trekking boots, pink poles and wise words shared from his Holiness the Dalai Lama.  My loved photography  equipment, MP3 and cards to write daily journals posting to myself from India, to enjoy and reflect on when arriving in my post box.



Sentimental Saturday

After sharing my photography intermediate final assignment course work, I walked into the city to purchase a few last odds for my trek.  Whilst ticking off my check list, a promotional advert for the release of the film "The Way" captured my eye.  A must purchase. A touching film, which stirs food in the wok of thoughts and minds eye, and creates a yearning to trek new and wonderful places.  

Monday...more and more mistakes...must try harder not to......

I think I need a course to improve my people skills and thoughtfulness. I have looked back on the past six weeks and discovered I have a natural talent of upsetting so many different people. Today I was absolutely mortified to upset yet another, receiving payback in the form of humiliation.

Last year I promoted in a variety of ways my Sahara charity trek. This year has not been so easy, with the main opportunity circulating my link via social media and a regional works global email. Since July, I reminded co-workers I would be trekking for Acorns Hospice and if anyone could help by passing the link on or donate a minimum of £2.00 this would be greatly appreciated. I stated I hoped my link, promoting monthly, (weekly during the last month) did not offend.

September redundancies were made. I thought I had removed those notified and continued to reluctantly email on the basis, the majority of contacts know me well and I had openly said please let me know if this offends. I was disappointed to read I had clearly upset and included someone soon to be redundant. I was told how insensitive I am requesting money to fund "my holiday" and to delete him from my email spam.  I fully appreciated, respected and at the same time felt awful, understanding this contact is within rights to his opinion. I emailed privately, apologies.  I guess what added to the upset was "my payback". The sender I had unintentionally upset included all email contacts to read his response. I felt utterly ashamed and humiliated. People I have worked with for years suddenly given the impression I was scrounging and begging for flights, food and board funds.  

A day sitting in tears and struggling to shrug off the feelings of disgrace and shame.  I need to get a grip and pull myself together.  I tried to put the feelings in to perspective and compare upset of families with loved life limited children.  In honesty I still feel hurt knowing how clumsy I have been over the past six weeks with peoples feelings.   Hand on heart I did not intend to be thoughtless and further more I have saved and funded entirely all expenses.  I have never felt comfortable asking for sponsorship.  Trying to make it easier I wanted any potential sponsors to know I had saved to self fund the trek.  I have never found it easy to ask.  I am far too independent to the point I can offend wanting to do everything for myself.   

Yesterday I upset my sister, actually agreeing with her about original plans she suggested when I return from my trek.  I drove home feeling dull, a nuisance and burden.  I question why I feel a burden as I make little contact knowing all are always busy with their own families.  I make odd calls to say hello, and to my knowledge never ask for a favour trying to ease and not add to busy lives.  What have I done now? kept repeating in my mind, driving home and later lying wide awake in bed.

Co-workers I have rubbed up the wrong way. Knowing this is a very sensitive and difficult time, I have tried to take the bad with empathy. There is only so much ticking off one can take. Today's response to my email hurt. Socially I offended a new contact, due to the frustration of limited forms of communication, although this is still no excuse for failure of manners.  I fully accept responsibility and know one of my reactions was wrong and caused hurt. I let myself down. Sending out thoughts to all those I have upset lately, putting both size 5.5's in. If all is my doing, a combination of both, misunderstandings all round all I can send out from my side is thoughts I am truly sorry.

Hoping: Please Lisa do not upset and pee off the trekkers you will soon meet and share time with. Time for bed, hope to switch off and not mull over things all night and ask tomorrow to be a better day for all.

Kundun

Saturday brings photography course, trek kit list check and a stroll into the city to buy a few first aid and hygiene items.    

Eat Pray Love..................

Friday freedom...............

Pictures and music only for this post....enjoying the Chris Spheeris track and reflecting on the fresh air, scenery, space and slowing down.

Lace leaves

Knitted tree

The richness of autumn

 

Kingdom in the Clouds, a stunning piece of music set to loop on my MP3.  Playing over and over as I walked against the wind.  No make-up, wearing oversized trekking trouser and old fleece, I looked a complete scruff.   With clumsy footings, I struggled to see at times when the wind blew my hair across my face and styled it into a matted mess. Nothing mattered, I felt content.  I had music creating chocolate for the ears.  The delight of rich, warm colours stimulating my eyes and the cold wind which made me feel alive.  

 

Il dolce far niente..."the sweetness of doing nothing".

Late Friday, driving home from work, my mind and body said, take a break this weekend. After another busy week, I gave myself permission to slow down and do as little as possible. Saturday, after my photography course and weekly food shop I booked a mental date with myself.  Photography course over my next stop buy groceries. Shopping at the outdoor fruit and veg market, a time when I love to drift off imagining I'm buying weekly groceries from stalls in Mapusa. Mapusa is the main market town in northern Goa. It isn’t particularly pretty and in honesty there’s not a great deal to see. Setting this aside the colours, spices, incense and energy stayed with me. Eggs, vine tomatoes and a variety of fruit packed in my backpack my first stop was time with the Dalai Lama, notes on my trek and my first coffee of the day.  My main date followed in Café Rouge, with more reading and enjoying a meal of salmon fish cakes, holding back on the fries replaced with a healthy salad.

Sunday: I bookmark a few work related posts to my Linkedin page. I felt a little guilty not training. This soon passed whilst watching for the 10th time “Eat, Pray, Love”. Il dolce far niente "the sweetness of doing nothing" a scene set in an Italian barbers, reassured and reminded me resting is good for the soul. The remaining part of the film created curiosity. What will I learn during my next trek?  Twenty five days to go, with highs and lows, and a variety of challenges. I will be living in another dream. My “Bucket List” includes a second charity trek, seeing more of Asia, the Taj Mahal and meeting the Dalai Lama. I have covered all trek expenses and my reward to visit the Taj Mahal. Organised charity treks are by no means a cheap way to travel.  However, I consider this trek a “win win” situation, seeing more of the world, and in hand raising the profile of and funds for Acorns Children’s Hospice. A main wonder is, will the November 2011 charity trekkers have the honour of meeting the Dalai Lama?  This would be an incredible experience.  Reminder to self:  if it’s meant to be it will be.

I consider myself a middle aged girly girl. Typically playing with make up, a love for high heels and the soft feminine fabrics, bright colours and ethnic print garments from Monsoon. In contrast, I thoroughly enjoy the experience of back to basic’s and learning to travel as light as possible.  My glamour “must take” will be my pink trekking poles and for the final nights social, a sweep of mascara and eye-liner. Following the trek organiser kit list and luggage weight restrictions, I need to carefully consider and organise essential needs, allowing for the weight and volume of my Canon camera.  Reflecting on the Sahara Desert trek should help to improve my packing skills and remind me of nonessential items adding weight. Which reminds me, flashing back in mind to one night in the Sahara.  With head torch on, collecting my sleeping bag from a pitch black canvas tent pitched up under the Sahara stars. Please God, Buddha, whoever, DO NOT! let me experience for a second time, a camel spider almost crawling on my hand, oblivious it was resting on my sleeping bag package, until my head torch spot lighted this unwelcome, evil creature. In advance, thank you for listening and reassuring me spiders from hell will stay well away.

Heavy backpack, heart and mind.

It was a struggle forcing myself to attempt training today. On two occasions I nearly turned the car round, wanting to give in go home and quit. One time half way through my journey on the M5. I missed the hills the previous weekend, so reminded myself it was essential I made an effort. I wanted to go home, back to bed and sleep. I began to wish I had booked annual leave alone, involved in an activity that did not provide the pressure of possibly letting down sponsors. Missing last weekend, the hills had changed decorated with a carpet of autumn leaves. Stunning autumn colours, contrasted with the gloom loosing summer light nights. I regret not making the most of summer 2011, spending too much time hiding behind work.  

It has been a very busy year, even now for me, although I am not assigned to a site project at the moment. August I added a post mentioning redundancy concerns. How right I was recently hearing co-workers called out and given notice. I am safe from redundancy at the moment, however not to take for granted this could change. So with the looming concern of how to continue to pay the bills, I have had to put in the hours. I had an official opening ceremony to organise for my customer, who had invited an MP to launch the new road.  A head full of work, lack of trek training and other, argued in my mind which subject should dominate.

After many years hibernating from the social scene, this year I developed courage to make an effort. I thought with all my positive work, perhaps I had broken a negative cycle and improved my law of attraction skills.  I discovered I need to go back into hibernation, study some more, or organise a head/personality transplant. Although I attract quite a lot of attention, not intentionally I add, I just don't seem to attract "the one." Someone who really wants to take time to get to know me.  Someone who wants to call me, meet. A man who wants to work at making me feel butterflies and adored and I them. I utterly fail in the love department, a complete car crash. Perhaps I am not lovable material, I have really no idea any more.  I can cope alone but thought after many years avoiding trying to meet a soul mate, it would be nice to share and make memories. As I mulled over various in my mind, I noticed a family of four ahead. Mom, dad, young daughter and son, over flowing with happiness sharing a family day outdoors. Mom and children stood posing on a high rock, whilst dad sets his camera on timer, racing to join them in time for the camera to catch a happy family portrait. I watched with a smile. As I walked by choked with tears. Floods of tears, trying to hide them behind sunglasses. Tears obviously required as a release valve when I noticed the tight knot in my stomach seemed to release.  I felt softer.

I walked back to my car, feeling heart broken. The fact hit me, I will never know what it's like to have my own family. Family picnics, trips to the seaside, birthdays and decorating the Christmas tree together. Ruling out motherhood when I reached 40,I will never know the feelings of carrying a child, nurturing my own and wrapping them in love. The hand I was dealt did not include the family card. I have always been somewhat of a loner. Alone welcomed and enjoyed. Today I felt lonely, not a good feeling.  Sat at home reflecting and typing, I ask myself how to get off this treadmill of: work, back home to an empty flat, bed, work, weekends the phone never rings, no sharing and just hill walks. I feel invisible and stuck. An early night ready to push the button for work at high speed. Maybe the change of scenery and Himalayas experience will bring change and ideas.

Today I am grateful I do not have my own children.  Perhaps I would not have had time to work at Acorn's if I had family of my own.

  

Return of the King...Orc's, Hobbit's, safely watched by Gandolf

The hills are alive with the soundtracks and themes of The Return of the King

Backpack with supplies of water and lembas bread

Orc squirrel spy..........................

Too late squirrel spy, I caught you.  Run, run..... little squirrel spy, to whisper your tales and secrets..........

Fellowship of safe sanctuary

Window to the Souls

Padlocked and deserted

Return of the King

Not a full time employed working day.  Hence, my mobile alarm clock was switched off, permitting a Sunday rest in, to enjoy and cuddle my big, fat, comfy, cloud quilt, wrapped in warm Asian colour and delightful soft prints. As if! My body clock is programmed to the full-time employed time table, waking up too early.  Even during annual leave and weekends.  

I have no idea why, but I felt somewhat deflated with no enthusiasm to enjoy the peace and calmness the hills reward.  I battled negativity and prepared my back pack, dressing in appropriate walking costume to commit to my hill training.

I attended the second level of my photography course yesterday.  An excellent tutor, mentor, and Lord of encouraging imagination in mind and eye.  David, set a course challenge, over a four week period, for students to produce 10 pictures related to a chosen subject.  I am warmed and drawn to the subject title offered "Windows to the Soul."  

Setting out on my usual hills training, I stopped along journey's way, to take props and capture pictures located in a desired place of peace. Mind cogs had worked overtime since my tutor ignited the project challenge.  Photos taken, and feeling more relaxed, Cherry Corsa heads to the hills.

I congratulated myself for arguing with the internal Sunday laze thief, that tempted me to quit today's training.  Not only did I action my hill training, I calmed the soul, slowed down, and grabbed the moment to commence photography course work.

And so in my wild imagination.........................................................

I walked New Zealand hills today, filled with sound tracks and themes of  "The Return of the King." Turned up to the max, drifting into hypnotic moving meditation, trees and sun rays creating imaginary strangers.  I sometimes seriously have to remind myself, Orc's do not really exist.  Trekking alone, along creepy covered pathways, trying to reach the open space, listening to this music.  I ask " Why the hell do I try to frighten the wits out myself? listening to this music"  I think I must have sub-concious faith Gandalf is watching over me, and the hobbits distracting the Orc's, therefore allowing me to pass.  Safe at the top, the skies were incredible today.  Soft, dreamy, blues and whites merging. Ideas I thought of and captured in my minds eye yesterday, during the photography course.