Monday...more and more mistakes...must try harder not to......

I think I need a course to improve my people skills and thoughtfulness. I have looked back on the past six weeks and discovered I have a natural talent of upsetting so many different people. Today I was absolutely mortified to upset yet another, receiving payback in the form of humiliation.

Last year I promoted in a variety of ways my Sahara charity trek. This year has not been so easy, with the main opportunity circulating my link via social media and a regional works global email. Since July, I reminded co-workers I would be trekking for Acorns Hospice and if anyone could help by passing the link on or donate a minimum of £2.00 this would be greatly appreciated. I stated I hoped my link, promoting monthly, (weekly during the last month) did not offend.

September redundancies were made. I thought I had removed those notified and continued to reluctantly email on the basis, the majority of contacts know me well and I had openly said please let me know if this offends. I was disappointed to read I had clearly upset and included someone soon to be redundant. I was told how insensitive I am requesting money to fund "my holiday" and to delete him from my email spam.  I fully appreciated, respected and at the same time felt awful, understanding this contact is within rights to his opinion. I emailed privately, apologies.  I guess what added to the upset was "my payback". The sender I had unintentionally upset included all email contacts to read his response. I felt utterly ashamed and humiliated. People I have worked with for years suddenly given the impression I was scrounging and begging for flights, food and board funds.  

A day sitting in tears and struggling to shrug off the feelings of disgrace and shame.  I need to get a grip and pull myself together.  I tried to put the feelings in to perspective and compare upset of families with loved life limited children.  In honesty I still feel hurt knowing how clumsy I have been over the past six weeks with peoples feelings.   Hand on heart I did not intend to be thoughtless and further more I have saved and funded entirely all expenses.  I have never felt comfortable asking for sponsorship.  Trying to make it easier I wanted any potential sponsors to know I had saved to self fund the trek.  I have never found it easy to ask.  I am far too independent to the point I can offend wanting to do everything for myself.   

Yesterday I upset my sister, actually agreeing with her about original plans she suggested when I return from my trek.  I drove home feeling dull, a nuisance and burden.  I question why I feel a burden as I make little contact knowing all are always busy with their own families.  I make odd calls to say hello, and to my knowledge never ask for a favour trying to ease and not add to busy lives.  What have I done now? kept repeating in my mind, driving home and later lying wide awake in bed.

Co-workers I have rubbed up the wrong way. Knowing this is a very sensitive and difficult time, I have tried to take the bad with empathy. There is only so much ticking off one can take. Today's response to my email hurt. Socially I offended a new contact, due to the frustration of limited forms of communication, although this is still no excuse for failure of manners.  I fully accept responsibility and know one of my reactions was wrong and caused hurt. I let myself down. Sending out thoughts to all those I have upset lately, putting both size 5.5's in. If all is my doing, a combination of both, misunderstandings all round all I can send out from my side is thoughts I am truly sorry.

Hoping: Please Lisa do not upset and pee off the trekkers you will soon meet and share time with. Time for bed, hope to switch off and not mull over things all night and ask tomorrow to be a better day for all.