The richness of autumn

 

Kingdom in the Clouds, a stunning piece of music set to loop on my MP3.  Playing over and over as I walked against the wind.  No make-up, wearing oversized trekking trouser and old fleece, I looked a complete scruff.   With clumsy footings, I struggled to see at times when the wind blew my hair across my face and styled it into a matted mess. Nothing mattered, I felt content.  I had music creating chocolate for the ears.  The delight of rich, warm colours stimulating my eyes and the cold wind which made me feel alive.  

 

Il dolce far niente..."the sweetness of doing nothing".

Late Friday, driving home from work, my mind and body said, take a break this weekend. After another busy week, I gave myself permission to slow down and do as little as possible. Saturday, after my photography course and weekly food shop I booked a mental date with myself.  Photography course over my next stop buy groceries. Shopping at the outdoor fruit and veg market, a time when I love to drift off imagining I'm buying weekly groceries from stalls in Mapusa. Mapusa is the main market town in northern Goa. It isn’t particularly pretty and in honesty there’s not a great deal to see. Setting this aside the colours, spices, incense and energy stayed with me. Eggs, vine tomatoes and a variety of fruit packed in my backpack my first stop was time with the Dalai Lama, notes on my trek and my first coffee of the day.  My main date followed in Café Rouge, with more reading and enjoying a meal of salmon fish cakes, holding back on the fries replaced with a healthy salad.

Sunday: I bookmark a few work related posts to my Linkedin page. I felt a little guilty not training. This soon passed whilst watching for the 10th time “Eat, Pray, Love”. Il dolce far niente "the sweetness of doing nothing" a scene set in an Italian barbers, reassured and reminded me resting is good for the soul. The remaining part of the film created curiosity. What will I learn during my next trek?  Twenty five days to go, with highs and lows, and a variety of challenges. I will be living in another dream. My “Bucket List” includes a second charity trek, seeing more of Asia, the Taj Mahal and meeting the Dalai Lama. I have covered all trek expenses and my reward to visit the Taj Mahal. Organised charity treks are by no means a cheap way to travel.  However, I consider this trek a “win win” situation, seeing more of the world, and in hand raising the profile of and funds for Acorns Children’s Hospice. A main wonder is, will the November 2011 charity trekkers have the honour of meeting the Dalai Lama?  This would be an incredible experience.  Reminder to self:  if it’s meant to be it will be.

I consider myself a middle aged girly girl. Typically playing with make up, a love for high heels and the soft feminine fabrics, bright colours and ethnic print garments from Monsoon. In contrast, I thoroughly enjoy the experience of back to basic’s and learning to travel as light as possible.  My glamour “must take” will be my pink trekking poles and for the final nights social, a sweep of mascara and eye-liner. Following the trek organiser kit list and luggage weight restrictions, I need to carefully consider and organise essential needs, allowing for the weight and volume of my Canon camera.  Reflecting on the Sahara Desert trek should help to improve my packing skills and remind me of nonessential items adding weight. Which reminds me, flashing back in mind to one night in the Sahara.  With head torch on, collecting my sleeping bag from a pitch black canvas tent pitched up under the Sahara stars. Please God, Buddha, whoever, DO NOT! let me experience for a second time, a camel spider almost crawling on my hand, oblivious it was resting on my sleeping bag package, until my head torch spot lighted this unwelcome, evil creature. In advance, thank you for listening and reassuring me spiders from hell will stay well away.

Heavy backpack, heart and mind.

It was a struggle forcing myself to attempt training today. On two occasions I nearly turned the car round, wanting to give in go home and quit. One time half way through my journey on the M5. I missed the hills the previous weekend, so reminded myself it was essential I made an effort. I wanted to go home, back to bed and sleep. I began to wish I had booked annual leave alone, involved in an activity that did not provide the pressure of possibly letting down sponsors. Missing last weekend, the hills had changed decorated with a carpet of autumn leaves. Stunning autumn colours, contrasted with the gloom loosing summer light nights. I regret not making the most of summer 2011, spending too much time hiding behind work.  

It has been a very busy year, even now for me, although I am not assigned to a site project at the moment. August I added a post mentioning redundancy concerns. How right I was recently hearing co-workers called out and given notice. I am safe from redundancy at the moment, however not to take for granted this could change. So with the looming concern of how to continue to pay the bills, I have had to put in the hours. I had an official opening ceremony to organise for my customer, who had invited an MP to launch the new road.  A head full of work, lack of trek training and other, argued in my mind which subject should dominate.

After many years hibernating from the social scene, this year I developed courage to make an effort. I thought with all my positive work, perhaps I had broken a negative cycle and improved my law of attraction skills.  I discovered I need to go back into hibernation, study some more, or organise a head/personality transplant. Although I attract quite a lot of attention, not intentionally I add, I just don't seem to attract "the one." Someone who really wants to take time to get to know me.  Someone who wants to call me, meet. A man who wants to work at making me feel butterflies and adored and I them. I utterly fail in the love department, a complete car crash. Perhaps I am not lovable material, I have really no idea any more.  I can cope alone but thought after many years avoiding trying to meet a soul mate, it would be nice to share and make memories. As I mulled over various in my mind, I noticed a family of four ahead. Mom, dad, young daughter and son, over flowing with happiness sharing a family day outdoors. Mom and children stood posing on a high rock, whilst dad sets his camera on timer, racing to join them in time for the camera to catch a happy family portrait. I watched with a smile. As I walked by choked with tears. Floods of tears, trying to hide them behind sunglasses. Tears obviously required as a release valve when I noticed the tight knot in my stomach seemed to release.  I felt softer.

I walked back to my car, feeling heart broken. The fact hit me, I will never know what it's like to have my own family. Family picnics, trips to the seaside, birthdays and decorating the Christmas tree together. Ruling out motherhood when I reached 40,I will never know the feelings of carrying a child, nurturing my own and wrapping them in love. The hand I was dealt did not include the family card. I have always been somewhat of a loner. Alone welcomed and enjoyed. Today I felt lonely, not a good feeling.  Sat at home reflecting and typing, I ask myself how to get off this treadmill of: work, back home to an empty flat, bed, work, weekends the phone never rings, no sharing and just hill walks. I feel invisible and stuck. An early night ready to push the button for work at high speed. Maybe the change of scenery and Himalayas experience will bring change and ideas.

Today I am grateful I do not have my own children.  Perhaps I would not have had time to work at Acorn's if I had family of my own.